On international negotiations, diplomatic functions, trade talks or even on a family dinner, keeping up with what is being said is often an interesting task, not because you may be easily distracted, or because you may not be interested in the specifics of each exchange of information, it is interesting because you need to see, hear and feel what is being said, using all of your senses.
In my career as a Diplomat/Lobbyist/Negotiator I have learned that human communications are not always verbal, as a matter of fact according to most studies in this subject over 70% of the messages deliver in a communication are non verbal. Understanding and clearly identifying that 70% will make or break your objective. Growing up I was always branded as the distracted "what in the hell are you thinking" boy, yet another attribute associated with me is that of a sympathetic listener. My friends and family have always berated my perceived distraction but have always commended my said capacity to make the person talking to me feel that he or she has my total and undivided attention whenever they are talking to me. I never gave much thought to any of this claims, until I started working as a trade negotiator.
At the very beginning just like any other junior, I was in the negotiations taking notes and watching eager to learn the tricks of the trade. I those formative years I started noticing a relation between success and delivery of message. For instance there was one time in the Free Trade Agreement negotiation between Nicaragua and Chile that our team was very much lost in terms of knowing the degree of sensitivity our counterpart had for certain products in a very long exclusions list. The proposed list was long and we knew for sure that many of the products in it where just bulk that the Chileans included in order to hide the real "untouchables". The issue was that our team was out of time, out of resources and out of negotiating leverage (We were actually defending our real "untouchables"). Our head negotiator started to go item by item in order to get a feel on the Chilean delegations reactions, allowing her to transform those "feels" in concrete proposals, and for the first time in my professional life I was observing rather than listening, much like in a poker game. I was astonished to see eyes opening more than usual, a great deal of leg crossing and arms crossing, plenty of fumbling with pens and paper clips, plenty of fists covering mouths and more importantly, very little hands opened and extended towards our side of the table.
For me it was a revelation to see a group of 10 very seasoned professional trade negotiators acting in very similar ways when one product or group of products where on table under scrutiny.
From that moment onwards in every single negotiation or presentation I have participated on, I have been quite aware of those signals that I now know, are universal and most of the time, involuntary.
As I participated in more negotiations I concentrated more and more on those details to the point that at times I was completely oblivious to the verbal component of the exchange. Some of my bosses and peers gave me a hard time because I was so "distracted", and Indeed I was at times, for instance there was an occasion that I was supposed to take notes on a speech delivered by Trade Commissioner of the EU Mendelssohn, and was so interested in reading his true intends that at the end I did not know what the speech was about. My Ambassador asked me ¿did he mentioned anything about his intentions for the Agreement? and I responded, I don’t know, but he is definitely uncomfortable with the French Ambassador. My boss was not happy, but in retrospect I was on the money. Later on we learned that the French were exercising a lot of pressure on the Commission in order to dismiss our Agreement, for it was at odds with their policy favoring the ACP countries. Back then we knew the French were trouble for us, but we didn’t know if the Commission was really on our side or not, Mr. Mendelssohn’s reaction to the French representative in that room, proved (at least to me) that he was really trying to get our negotiations with the EC moving, something that later on he championed with lots of energy.
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| Covering your mouth denotes that this person may be hidding something or he is eager to reply to a statement he does not agree with |
This entry is not meant to imply that verbal communications are to be ignored or put in a second degree of importance to their nonverbal counterparts, I´m just saying that in order to get the bigger picture you need to assess both lines of communications. For example I have a theory that would help you identify bullshit very efficiently and that is " if the verbal communication is incompatible or dissimilar to the nonverbal part, BE CAREFULL" it may be that the speaker is not comfortable with the message he is delivering, he or she may not be in total agreement with the things he or she is saying or the speaker is trying to conceal his or hers true intentions.
In a relationship, if you ask your partner point blank about something, for instance the proverbial “Do you love me?" and he or she say "but off course I do" you should pay attention to what the body is saying too for example:
• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space. Try to remember how dogs try to shrink whenever they have done something bad.
• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.
• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.
• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, and then stops suddenly.
• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: "But of course I love you”, and then smile after making that statement, rather than at the same time the statement is made.
• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe,) instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.
• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized
No matter what we say or how we say it, we need to understand that we are communicating even when we are silent, I would say even more when we are silent. And finally, No I´m not distracted or aloof, I’m just reading what you are saying.
Have a great week people.
Santiago
